Does a Baby’s Name Affect Its Chances in Life? (Part 1)

I just read a long article by William Kremer of BBC News about a fascinating topic: Does a baby’s name affect its chances in life?

I’m going to make this quick and easy for you. The first part of the article discusses Dalton Conley, a sociologist who named his daughter E and invited her to pick any “E”-name she wanted. Her name wound up being E Harper Nora Conley. Conley also gave his son free reign and his son picked the name Yo Xing Heyno Augustus Eisner Alexander Weiser Knuckles Conley. This experience motivated Dalton Conley to find oout how a baby’s name affects the child’s chances in life. Here’s Conley’s conclusion, according Kremer:

Conley, who is a sociologist at New York University, says that children with unusual names may learn impulse control because they may be teased or get used to people asking about their names. “They actually benefit from that experience by learning to control their emotions or their impulses, which is of course a great skill for success.”

But for the main part, he says, the effect of a name on its bearer rarely amounts to more than the effect of being raised by parents who would choose such a name.

Think about that last sentence. The child’s chances in life are affected more by the parents (who pick the child’s name) than by the name itself. And you can tell some things about parents by the name they picked.

-In the case of the Conley kids, the fact that they had parents who let them pick their own names was a key fact.

-In the case of North West, the fact that she had a dad who came up with a jokey name while conversing with comedian Jay Leno on the “Tonight Show” and then stuck with that name despite negative feedback from the media and from his own fans.

-In the case of Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa, the fact that they came up with four highly controversial and widely disliked names including:
*Ahmet Emmuukah Rodan
*Dweezil
*Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen
*Moon Unit

Apparently, the names parents choose for their children speaks volumes about them.

 

 

 

By William Kremer

BBC World Service

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-26634477

 

How Baby Center’s 2013 Top-10 Lists Compare with the Social Security Administration’s 2012 Top-10 List

I must have received 10 newsfeeds (all from different sources) for Baby Center’s list of 100 most popular names in 2013. As you may know, Baby Center is one of the leading sources of information about birth and babies. They get their popularity information directly from expecting and new parents who are registered with them. It’s a pretty good source of information considering that  the 2013 “most popular names lists” are published by Baby Center about 6 months in advance of the official Social Security Administration popularity data, which the SSA releases on or around Mother’s Day every year.

But, when I took a look at the top-ten boys’ names for 2013 announced by Baby Center, I wondered: How did Jackson  jump to #1 on Baby Center in 2013 from #20 on SSA in 2012? How did Aiden jump to #2 on Baby Center in 2013 from #10 on SSA in 2012? How did Lucas jump to #4 on Baby Center in 2013 from #27 on SSA in 2012? And how did Jack jump to #10 on Baby Center in 2013 all the way from #45 on SSA in 2012?

(I should mention at this point that changes to either the boy’s or girls top ten lists (from year to year on SSA) are usually in increments of one or two ranks on the list. It is fairly typical for several names  to move up one or two ranks and several names to move down one or two ranks on the list. And every once in a while, a name will “swoop down” from #11 or #12 to #9 or #10 to provide some excitement for me and other bored commentators.)  Believe it or not, that pretty much sums up the changes, most years, to the top-ten most popular boys’ and girls lists from the Social Security Administration.)

When I looked at top-ten girls’ names for 2013 announced by Baby Center, there were only two big moves: Zoe moved up from #20 on SSA 2012 to #8 on Baby Center 2013. And Lily moved up from #16 on SSA 2012 to #6 on Baby Center 2013. But the moves I’ve just described from the SSA 2012 list to the BC 2013 list way go beyond two sigmas (even if you flunked Statistics, you probably know that’s big move).

Now use your eyeballs to compare BC 2013 with BC2012 on the chart I created below–which compares BC 2013 with SSA 2012 and BC 2012. Notice, on the boys’ side, that Jackson moved up from #2 (in BC 2012) to #1 in BCv2013). Aiden moved down from  #1 (on BC 2012) to #2 in (BC 2013). And Jack didn’t move anywhere. It was #10 (in BC 2012 and was #10 (in BC 2013). Those are the kind of small incremental moves from year to year that it is reasonable to expect when you are looking at data from the same population year after year. This tells us that data produced by Baby Center should be compared with Baby Center stats from previous years; ditto for SSA data to give you a feel for popularity trends.

Why? Because Baby Center registrations are a very different population base than the much larger population measured by the Social Security Administration. Most likely, the Baby Center list skews more upscale (higher income and education) than the American public. So it probably makes sense to accept the fact that Baby Center registrations have dramatically different demographics than the SSA database.

In the chart below, you can compare Baby Center 2013 with both SSA 2012 and BC 2012.But to avoid getting too excited, remember that the best way to look at the Baby Center 2013 most popular names lists is to compare them to the BC 2012 list to find out, directionally, what’s going on. (As you can see, I’m not very good at lining up data so it looks vertically straight. Sorry about that.)

Top Boys’ and Girls’ Names for Baby Center 2013 (vs. SSA 2012 and BC 2012)

1. Jackson  #22 SSA 2012    #2 BC 2012                 1. Sophia      #1 SSA 2012      #1 BC 2012
2. Aiden     #10 SSA 2012    #1 BC 2012                 2. Emma       #2 SSA 2012      #2 BC 2012
3. Liam        #6 SSA 2012     #4 BC 2012                 3. Olivia        #4 SSA 2012      #3 BC 2012
4. Lucas     #27 SSA 2012     #7 BC 2012                 4. Isabella    #3 SSA 2012     #4 BC 2012
5. Noah       #4 SSA 2012     #6 BC 2012                  5. Mia           #8 SSA 2012     #9 BC 2012
6. Mason     #2 SSA 2012     #5 BC 2012                  6. Ava           #5 SSA 2012     #5 BC 2012
7. Jayden     #7 SSA 2012     #9 BC 2012                  7. Lily         #16 SSA 2012     #6 BC 2012
8. Ethan      #3 SSA 2012     #3 BC 2012                  8. Zoe         #20 SSA 2012     #7 BC 2012
9. Jacob       #1 SSA 2012     #8 BC 2012                  9. Emily       #6 SSA 2012     #8 BC 2012
10. Jack     #45 SSA 2012   #11 BC 2012                10. Chloe    #11 SSA  2012  #10 BC 2012

I should probably mention that Baby Center’s report on popularity changes in 2013 calls attention to popularity gains by names associated with the following TV shows and celebrities:
-“Duck Dynasty”
-HBO’s “Girls”
-Bad Boy (Kanye West)
-Bad Girl (Miley Cyrus)
-Triple Threat Indie Girls (Lena Dunham and Lake Bell)
-Funny Guys (Alec Baldwin, Fred Armisen, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Vince Vaughan and Jason Sudeikis)
-and American Presidents (Jack Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Andrew Jackson and Barack Obama)

I found this information to be helpful, but I was surprised to discover that Baby Center didn’t also echo trends mentioned by a variety of US and UK commentators, to the effect that popularity gains were also made by names associated with some other popular TV  shows: “Homeland,” “Breaking Bad, “Game of Thrones, and “Downton Abbey.” It’s possible these trends didn’t show up in Baby Center’s data or perhaps their analysts missed them–I have no idea which. It’s one of the confusing aspects of having two very different sources of popularity information based on very different populations which are published 6 months apart.

I also think there’s more to analyzing changes in the popularity of names than concern with the influence of TV shows and celebrities. Surely that’s not the only factor that affects the popularity of names. Here are just a few things I noticed:

– On the top-ten Baby Center (2013)  boys’ list, there are currently 4 “J”-names. That’s a rare happening. Notice also that the  4 “strong” “J”-names combine with Lucas, which has a hard “c” sound to give the top-ten list 5 “strong” names and 5 “soft” names which (like Ethan and Noah) use softer vowel sounds.  By contrast, last year on the SSA 2012 top-ten boys’ list there were 7 “soft” names and only 3 “strong” names. And, notice also that there are only three names with biblical ties on the 2013 Baby Center list.  (In recent years there have usually been 6 or 7 boy’s names with biblical associations on SSA top-ten lists.) FYI, Biblical names suggest values or good character–which is why they have been so popular for boys in the past.

– On the top-ten Baby Center (2013) girl’s list, the first six names all have “strong” “a”- endings. But notice that the last four names have “weaker” endings with the “y” or “ee” sound. On the 2012 SSA list there was only one name (Emily) with a “y” ending, and there were three names with neutral-consonant endings (Abigail, Elizabeth, and Madison.) Finally, on the 2012 SSA top-ten list, there was one name on the list which made a “smart” impression: Abigail. Parents will have to look farther to find a “smart” option and/or a biblical name that connotes “good character” for their daughters.

I Thought I Knew Just About Everything About North West; I Was Wrong.

I thought I knew just about everthing there was to know about North West. But Maureen O’Connor knows a few things I didn’t know. If you missed her article in New York Magazine, it’s worth reading. I’m going to give you a short quote in which O’Connor conveys the essence of all things Kardashian. She claims North West is quintessentially “Kardashian”; here’s why:

North West “is interesting enough to enable 45 seconds of small talk at the buffet table of a summer wedding. This low-level piquing of interest is what makes North West a thoroughly Kardashian name, even if Kanye (and his sometimes cheesy sensibility) chose it. For the Kardashians’ greatest feat is their ability to draw attention without doing anything that is actually interesting. They are masters of the banal spectacle, turning household monotony and Kim’s swollen feet into news events. In that sense, North West achieves Kardashian, and is thus a great name for Kanye and Kim’s daughter.”

Of course, if you don’t think that household monotony and Kim’s swollen feet are all that great, perhaps, like me, you don’t appreciate “all things Kardashian.” To be candid, I think North West is a bad joke that gets worse every time you tell it. Yet I marveled at the way Maureen O’Connor’s cleverly written piece disguised this obvious “issue.”

So, do not pass go, and do not collect $200 until you read Maureen O’Connor’s charming post.

NCIS Star Michael Weatherly and Wife Bojana Used the “Popular-Name” Theme to Name Baby Liam and His Sister Olivia.

I wonder if Michael Weatherly and his wife Bojana read my article,”Naming Siblings,” about using themes to make sibling names compatible. They picked a top-10 name, Liam, for their brand-new baby boy–perhaps thinking it would be compatible with the top-10 name, Olivia, they used for Liam’s older sister.

Apparently they didn’t read my recent article, “Common Sense Tips”, which warned about the folly of picking top-10 names. Apart from being, well, “common,” the child may not enjoy sharing his name with other kids in his class. Sharing might make Liam wish he had a middle name. But the birth announcement I read in the Daily Republican News didn’t mention a middle name. That’s another mistake–as explained in my article about “Middle Naming.”

When Michael Weatherly was born, Michael was the #1 most popular boys’ name. You’d think he would have realized the danger of picking a popular name.  And because Bojana is such an uncommon name, she would have enjoyed my popular article, “Why Unique Names Can be a Hassle.” If I were a betting man, I’d bet Michael and Bojana didn’t read any articles about baby naming: they just followed the crowd, like lemmings, to the top-10 boys’ and girls’ lists.

Though not recommended, picking top-10 names is a lot better than following in the footsteps of Kim and Kanye by picking a name like Stormy, Cloudy, Snowy or Windy that might seem funny in combination with Weatherly. I wonder if they  were scared off that idea by my article “Boxer Laila Ali’s Smackdown of Kim and Kanye”?

Baby-Name Trends in 2013: The Good News and the Bad News

First the good news:  According to a study conducted by Enzo Caffarelli: after Jose Mario Bergoglio was elected pope on March 7, and picked the papal name Francis, Francesco (the Italian form of Francis) passed Lorenzo to become the most popular boy’s name in Italy.  What’s more, there have been 300 public places in  Italy named after Pope Francis so far in 2013. Caffarelli should know; he researches the origins of names at Rome’s Tor Vergata University. I call this good news because Pope Francis may go down in history as one of the most pious and beloved popes of all time.

And now the bad news: According to Nameberry.com, the 7^th most popular unisex name in the U.S., so far in 2013, is North (West)—the name Kanye West mentioned as a joke on the “Jay Leno Show” and then decided to use as a name for the baby girl he had with Kim Kardashian. The reason I call this “bad news” is that:

-North (West) is on a number of “worst” name lists for 2013 and has been described as “outrageous,” “crazy,” “bizarre” and “weird”—to mention only adjectives that can be reprinted in a family newspaper.

-Many articles have been appearing in U.S., Australian, Irish, and English media recently attributing “a rising tide of bizarre names” to fans of celebrities who choose “what were they thinking?” names for their children.

I suppose we should be happy that North (West) was the only “what were they thinking?” name on Nameberry’s top-10 lists of boys’ names, girls’ names and unisex names for 2013.

Laila Ali Apologizes for Calling People Who Pick Names Like North (West) “Stupid”

In a fascinating article on BET.com, Laila Ali apologized for calling people who pick names like North (West) “stupid.”

Here’s how Ali explained the incident to radio personality, Egypt Sherrod, who contacted Ali to give her a chance to explain how she wound up in the middle of a kerfuffle with Kim and Kanye.

“Speaking very candidly and honestly as I always do… knowing how cruel the world is and the bullying, and you know, kids have to grow up and get a job one day, I did say that I think some of these name choices are stupid.”

Notice this sentence: “Some of these name choices are stupid.” In other words, she’s not saying that North was a stupid name. Only “some” of these names are stupid. But, If North wasn’t the name she was referring to, which name was she referring to?

I’ll quote from Ali’s apology:

“I do realize that it was a poor choice of words… and it wasn’t to single out Kim or Kanye. I actually mentioned a bunch of names, not just the name North. It was a general opinion to a question that I was asked.”

In that case, let’s take close look at the “bunch of names” she mentioned:

“North and South, and Leaf, and Water Drop, and all these names… C’mon now.”

Although North is a fixture in celebrity gossip columns and late-night TV show monologs, I can’t recall a prominent celebrity baby named South or Leaf or Water Drop. I got the impression Ali was referring to the kind of non-traditional, creative, fanciful, over-the-top, names someone might be tempted to pick for their child (if they’d taken temporary leave of their senses). “C’mon now” is a lot like “give me a break.” It’s the kind of thing stand-up comics say at the end of a comic riff so the audience will know when  it’s time to laugh.

Curious about  Leaf, Water Drop  and South, I decided to Google those names. I got nothing for Leaf and Water Drop. But when I Googled  South I hit the jackpot: lots of lame jokes (not worth repeating) all of which reference the name North (West), what seemed to be a news item reporting that 85 percent of those surveyed preferred the name North to South, 100 to 1 odds being offered by a bookmaker that Kim and Kanye would pick the name South for their next baby–all of which indicates Ali’s reference to the name South was an attempt at humor.

So it appears that the only real name in the “bunch of names” Ali mentioned was “North.” Which is why Ali’s comments come across as a kind stand-up comedy routine about the crazy names that celebrities are giving their kids these days. And it happens that Kim and Kanye’s choice of North (West) is the celebrity baby name that’s been in the news almost continuously for the last four months. So it’s clear that Ali perceived North as a prototype for silly, ridiculous, crazy names.

Ali’s mistake was describing the kind of parents that picked names like North as “stupid.” She did that when she said (while referring to the current practice of attention-seeking celebrities giving their children “bizarre” names):

“I don’t care who you are, that is just stupid, period.”

Notice the word “you.” It’s as though she was directly addressing Kim, Kanye and the fictional parents of Leaf, Water Drop and South. Ali was no longer joking. This is the comment that seems to step over the line and turn Ali’s understandable concern about the ego-tripping celebrities who saddle their children with embarrassing names into a statement that could be interpreted as insulting.

And it’s easy to understand where Ali is coming from, emotionally. She knows what it’s like to have a parent with an over-inflated ego. Her father, Muhammed Ali, famously called himself “the Greatest.”

So,  although I admire Ali both for her candor and courage in ridiculing names like North, South, Leaf and Water Drop, I also admire her for having the good sense to apologize to Kim and Kanye for using the st-word, while sticking to her basic position about silly names, which can be summed up in five words:

 “I don’t like crazy names.”

This quote pretty much describes the American public’s attitude towards North (West), Blue Ivy, Pilot Inspektor, Bronx Mowgli, Zuma Nesta Rock, Daisy Boo, Moon Unit, Diva Think Muffin Pigeen and  and the rest of the outrageous names I listed in my “10 Mistakes That Have Caused the Biggest and Baddest Baby-Naming Blunders” article. Yes, North (West) is one of those blunders.

Boxer Laila Ali’s Smackdown of Kim and Kanye Re: North West

After staying up late last night to write a response to Joanna Shroeder’s article “Stop Complaining About So-Called Weird Names?” I was thrilled to discover an interview, this morning, with Laila Ali (retired boxer and daughter of the legendary Muhammed Ali) about celebrity baby names like North West. Here are some of highlights from an interview by HipHollywood.com as reported by kpopstarz.com:

When asked what she thought about the name North West, she replied: “I don’t like crazy names!”

When asked about the meaning of names like North West she said: “I think it doesn’t make any sense…You have to think about the child and as they get older what they have to deal with…. But North and South, and Leaf, and Water Drop, and all these names… C’mon now.”

When asked about the current practice of giving babies bizarre names: “A lot of people do things because it is a fad and they want to get some attention.”

When asked about celebrities who defended the bizarre names they had picked, Ali looked directly into the camera as if she was talking to Kim and Kanye and the other baby-naming celebrities directly, and said : “I don’t care who you are that is just stupid, period.”

Celebrity news media usually present celebrity birth announcements as though they are quoting God. Pundits, like me, try to discuss the names objectively. Truth is, we don’t actually know the celebrities we are writing about—so we can’t speak from first-hand knowledge about them. We can only guess what their true motives really are.

That’s why Laila Ali’s smack-down of Kim and Kanye (in particular) and others of their kind is so rare and powerful. She knows the game that Kim and Kanye are playing. And she’s willing to call them on it. What it boils down to is: Kim and Kanye can run from Laila Ali—but they can’t the hide.

Should We Stop Complaining About Weird Baby Names?

I like articles that challenge my assumptions—like the piece in XOJane.com by Joanna Shroeder. Shroeder’s article is so much fun to read, I’ve saved it for you.

            Stop Complaining About So-Called Weird Baby Names

Celebrity has a baby. Celebrity gives baby an unusual name. Maybe it’s Pilot Inspektor. Maybe it’s Moxie CrimeFighter. Most likely the one that sticks out in your mind is North West, daughter of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.

Cue people complaining about “names these days” and concern-trolling the poor little dear. “What kind of life will these children have? Won’t they be teased?”

Let me tell you about the life North West will probably have: She will be very loved, as it seems every member of the Kardashian/Jenner family has been so far. She will never lack for proper nutrition, never go without medical care. She will probably go to the best schools and get an excellent musical and artistic education. She will meet celebrities and people whose names are in history books. Judging by her parents, she will probably be beautiful.

Now, I’m not saying her life will be perfect or that Kim and Kanye will be the best parents ever. I don’t know them. I don’t follow their lives outside of the inescapable headlines that come through my timelines and the occasional gluttonous “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” marathon when I’m sick.

But if you’re clutching at your pearls because of the names people are giving their babies, you might want to look into getting a new hobby, because unusual names are here to stay.

Of course there are lots of pundits posting blogs on social media about the excesses of attention-seeking, self-centered celebrities and the awful names they foist upon their kids. As it happens, I recently created a list of 24 notorious celebrity baby-name “blunders” to help parents avoid making the same mistakes.

Although Joanna Shroeder may be unfamiliar with my “Baby Names in the News” blog (or may be taking dead aim at it), I’d like to stake out the opposite position, for your consideration and amusement.

When celebrities announce names likely to subject their children to embarrassment, teasing or bullying, responsible parents may recall awful names we considered (but decided against) for our children when we were young and foolish. Or we may mention notorious names as examples of the kind of names to avoid, when we are discussing names with expectant couples looking for feedback about names they are considering.

Those of us who write about names use celebrity blunders as opportunities to discuss baby-naming techniques with people who seek out our commentary. Most pundits don’t advise readers to avoid names that reflect their ethnic, national or religious backgrounds. We tend to like names that reflect people’s interests and values. But our main objective is to help parents find names that are likely to be a pleasure for both parent and child and a plus for the child throughout his or her life.

So when we hear about celebrities who pick names that are likely to demean or embarrass or be a needless source of frustration  for their children, it’s reasonable to use those examples for educational purposes.

That’s why names like North West, Blue Ivy, Pilot Inspektor and Moxie CrimeFighter are on so many “worst” or “weird” or just plain “awful” baby name lists: to help parents avoid embarrassing, shaming, demeaning or subjecting their children to needless discomfort and frustration (and in the process. glamorizing such irresponsible behavior).

I agree with Joanna Shroeder that children of celebrities are likely to receive many benefits that money can buy: good nutrition, a good education, and excellent health care. But there is one thing that money can’t buy: caring parents willing to spend the time and effort to take loving care of their children. And let’s face it: parenting is a serious job and parents are on the job 24/7.

Parents who care deeply for their children’s well-being will do everything in their power to pick names that will be a joy and a pleasure and a benefit to their children. If they fail in that pursuit, it won’t be for lack of effort. But parents who pick names that are demeaning, embarrassing or frustrating for their children are demonstrating their inability to align their own “pursuit of happiness” with their children’s well being.

In foreign countries there are judges who disallow certain names they think are “harmful” to the children’s welfare. And in the U.S. there are pundits who try to help Kim and Kanye’s fans understand why it is harmful to pick a name likely to make a child the butt of a bad joke.

37 Outrageous Celebrity Baby Names That Illustrate What Not to Do When Naming Your Baby

Kim and Kanye’s choice of North West for their baby girl’s name has caused pundits to blog about other outrageous celebrity baby names. Curious to discover whether there was a consensus among pundits as to which names were the most, well, awful, I Googled tags like “strange,” “weird,” “funny,” “ridiculous,” “crazy,” and “unique” celebrity baby names.

I soon noticed that several sets of parents (Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa, Jonathan and Deven Davis, Bob Geldof and Paula Yates, Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton, Soleil Moon Frye and Marc Silverstein) had more than one name on many of the lists. I only included one of Robert Rodriguez and Elizabeth Avellan’s boys names, but mentioned the other three. It’s clear that coming up with notorious names is something all these parents were trying to do (rather than trying to avoid).

By contrast, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West still don’t understand why their fans, the media and the public at large aren’t thrilled by North West. Kim, Kanye, their friends and their relatives have been releasing statements (to the media) claiming that North is an “inspirational” name because it means “the highest power,” “the highest point” or was chosen because their lives are “guided by” the North Star. They are misguided if they think anyone other than friends and relatives will be impressed by this “logic.”

Most people know that north is a point on the compass located midway between east and west—and the farther north you go, the colder it gets. If Kim and Kanye were sailing around the world on a raft and had lost their compass, I would be more likely to believe that the North Star “guides” their lives.

If you want to find out which of the most commonly criticized celebrity baby names are the biggest baby-naming blunders, just count the number of mistakes the celebrity parents made in the process of coming up with each name, using the 10 common baby-naming mistakes listed below:

Ten Common Baby-Naming Mistakes
-It doesn’t sound like a name.
-It doesn’t make a positive impression for the child.
-The first, middle and family names don’t fit well together.
-It doesn’t work particularly well for formal or informal occasions (or both).
-It is a joke which is ultimately at the expense of the baby.
-It is nonsensical.
-It is unclear as to gender.
-It is difficult to pronounce.
-It is difficult to spell.
-It is likely to provoke or invite teasing.

Although any one of the mistakes listed above could be a source of discomfort or annoyance for a child, any name that reflects three or more of these mistakes is going to cause major problems for the child. But don’t be surprised to discover that most of the celebrity baby names listed below exemplify more than half of the ten mistakes!

Boy’s Names

Ahmet Emuukha Rodan Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: What country did he come from? What language will he speak?

Audio Science Clayton
Parents: Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton
My first impression: He’ll be instantly stereotyped as a science geek.

Bear Blu Jarecki
Parents: Alicia Silverstone and Christopher Jarecki
My first impression: A depressed plush toy.

Bodhi Ransom Green
Parents: Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green
My first impression: An enlightened hijacker.

Bronx Mowgli Wentz
Parents: Ashlee Simpson and Peter Wentz
My first impression: Apparently, an urban-jungle dweller.

Diezel Ky Braxton-Lewis
Parents: Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis
My first impression: Conceived in a truck-stop parking lot.

Dweezil Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adela Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: What’s a dweezil? What planet did it fall from?

Jermajesty Jackson
Parents: Jermaine Jackson and Alejandra Genevieve Oaziaza
My first impression: Jermajesty’s first words to his parents: “Bow down and kiss my feet!

Kal-El Coppola Cage
Parents: Nicolas Cage and Alice Kim
My first impression: What a combination: Superman’s father and a brilliant movie director. It boggles the mind.

Kid Duchovny
Parents: David Duchovny and Tea Leoni
My first impression: An unwanted child his parents were too busy to name.

Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa
Parents: Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa
My first impression: He won’t be able to remember, pronounce or spell his entire name until he’s 13.

Pilot “Standard” Inspektor Lee
Parents: Jason Lee and Beth Riesgraf
My first impression: They found the name in an un-proofed edition of a vintage comic book.

Pirate Howsmon Davis
Parents: Jonathan and Deven Davis
My first impression: A Rastafarian pirate, mon!

Prince Michael “Blanket” II
Parent: Michael Jackson and surrogate mother
My first impression: Which is worse: the ego-tripping royal title or the awful nickname?”

Rogue Joaquin Rodriguez
Robert Rodriguez and Elizabeth Avellan
My first impression: Of all the names they gave their boys (Rebel, Racer, Rocket and Rogue) this one is the worst.

Seven Sirius Benjamin
Parents: Erykah Badu and Andree Benjamin
My First Impression: A channel on Sirius XM satellite radio.

Speck Wildhorse
Parents: John Mellencamp and Elaine Irwin
My first impression: What’s the connection between Speck and Wildhorse?

Zeppelin Howsmon Davis
Parents: Jonathan and Deven Davis
My first impression: Conceived after visiting the Air and Space Museum.

Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale
Parents: Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
My first impression: Imagine finding a baby caveman—in Hollywood. (Great concept for a movie!)

Girl’s Names

Alabama Gypsy Rose Jennings
Parents: Drea de Matteo and Shooter Jennings
My first impression: Sounds like a southern stripper.

Daisy Boo Pamela Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: She won’t be using baby talk in a few years, but her parents still will.

Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa
Parents: Frank and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: When she figures out what her parents did to her (with that name) she’s gonna get even.

Fifi Trixibelle Geldof
Parents: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
My first impression: The birth announcement didn’t mention she’s a baby girl poodle.

Jagger Joseph Blue Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: A swaggering, depressed religious boy with issues.

Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence
Parents: Michael Hutchence and Paula Yates
My first impression: In adolescence, she’ll want to fly away to Neverland to hang out with Peter Pan.

Little Pixie Frou-Frou Geldof
Parents: Bob Geldof and Paula Yates
First impression: The birth announcement didn’t mention she’s a baby girl poodle.

Lyric Sonny Roads Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: The parents are picturing a Woody Guthrie or Bob Dylan folksinger.

Mirabella Bunny Adams
Parents: Bryan Adams and Alicia Grimaldi:
My first impression: A plush toy purchased in a beauty salon.

Moon Unit Zappa
Parents: Frank Zappa and Adelaide Gail Zappa
My first impression: R2-D2’s girlfriend.

Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette
Parents: Penn Jillette and Emily Zolten
My first impression: Sounds like a vintage comic-strip character.

North West
Parents: Kanye West and Kim Kardashian
My first impressions: Either a point on the compass or an airline that was acquired by Delta.

Petal Blossom Rainbow Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: Her parents named her while tripping out in the flower garden.

Poet Sienna Rose Goldberg
Parents: Soleil Moon Frye and Jason Goldberg
My first impression: A pretentious name to appeal to the admissions director of a prestigious private school.

Poppy Honey Rose Oliver
Parents: Jamie Oliver and Juliette Norton
My first impression: Her parents named her while tripping out in the flower garden.

Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson
Parents: Uma Thurman and Arpad Busson
My first impression: Sounds like they opened up a baby-name book and picked five names at random—hoping to find one the child would like.
(Believe it or not, six months after giving her five names, Uma Thurman announced she was going to call her daughter Luna.)

Tu Simone Ayer Morrow
Parents: Rob Morrow and Debbon Ayer
My first impression: Which is worse: Tu Morrow or her mother’s name, Debbon Ayer?

Yamma Noyola Brown
Parents: James Brown and Deidre Jenkins
My first impression: They came up with the name while attending a church service where worshippers speak in tongues.

What to Do When Naming Your Baby
Once you understand just how uncomfortable (and annoying) these baby-naming mistakes can be for a child to live with, Go down the list of mistakes and see how many mistakes each name makes. That will give you a quick way to eliminate names likely to be a burden for your child.

However, sometimes playing it safe can produce a dull name (like Bob or Mary). Make one or two “mistakes” and you could wind up with a more remarkable or memorable name (like Wiley or Rio, both of which are unclear as to gender). But if you make more than one or two mistakes you’re likely to produce a baby-naming disaster (like Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakaeha Momoa or Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa) that are a recognized form of child abuse. (Ultimately, these kind of “jokes” are on the child and on you.)

P.S. This post has recently been added to the Baby Name Police training manual. All recruits are tested on their ability to name all the mistakes embodied in each baby naming blunder listed above. As a result of superior training and vigilance, I’m hoping we’ll be better able to call baby name abuse to the attention of the parents and the general public in the future.

North Isn’t a “Weird” or “Crazy” Name Says Rob Kardashian

Just read an article in Us Magazine informing me that Kanye West and Kim Kardashian have finally found someone who doesn’t think North is a “weird” or “crazy” celebrity name: Kim’s brother, Rob. He explained that, “North West…sounds cool! And North is the highest point, so it has a lot of meaning to it.” I suppose it might sound cool to someone who doesn’t know that north isn’t a peak, it’s a direction.

Rob Kardashian also commented that people who criticize the name are “haters.” I strongly doubt this talking point will come across to disappointed fans and the media as a convincing argument.

The article appears to be the result of a publicity campaign to explain that the name first mentioned by Kanye West three months ago while bantering with Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show” is filled with deep inspirational meaning. It will take a very long time to convince the public that the name is not exactly what it sounds like: a mildly amusing talk-show punch line.