Royal, Religious and Family Traditions Often Lead to Dull Choices

It was exciting to predict George as the name William and Kate would pick (thanks to the “crowd-sourcing” effect of British betting casinos). And it was a great relief for Brits and people around the world when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge stopped dithering and finally announced their royal baby’s name. Although the choice was acceptable to Queen Elizabeth, who undoubtedly had a big say in the matter, let’s face it: George is a fairly dull name.

If you’re picking the name for an heir to the throne or a new pope, it’s important to keep traditional naming constraints in mind. And the benefit of being guided by tradition is that you’ll avoid picking loony names like Bronx Mowgli, Zuma Nesta Rock, Blue Ivy or North West.

As it happens many of the best names you could pick (by which I mean names that are likely to be a pleasure for child and parents to use), are, in fact, traditional names like Edward, Elizabeth, James and Alexandra which were reportedly under consideration for the royal baby (but not for the pope). Why? Because they do what names should do:
-they create a positive impression for the child
-they are versatile (in that they work well for formal and informal occasions)
-they are easy to pronounce and spell
-the come across as timeless rather than being tied to a year or date (when a “trendy” name peaked in popularity)
-and they are not so popular that your child might have several kids with the same name in his play group

Of course, it’s reasonable for parents to consider more uncommon options that will come across as more
unique and memorable for their child. And they need to understand that “taking a flier” on a name they picked up from a restaurant menu or road atlas may not pan out. (You may like cilantro, vacation in Acapulco and enjoy playing Frisbee) but there’s no guarantee that your favorite condiment, vacation spot or game would work well as a name for your child.)

I like the guideline general managers of professional sports teams use when drafting: “pick the best player available,” which I’d modify to: pick the best name available. You can do that by not being overly swayed by a variety of traditions and pressures that most parents are obliged to take into consideration.

In addition to looking for the best name available, I’d also suggest another guideline: “do no harm.” Avoid names that might be harmful, derogatory or a nuisance for your child. Conceivably, celebrities try to pick the best name available, but there’s a good reason why many celebrity baby names produce a “what were they thinking?” reaction from their fans and the media. They can’t imagine that their brilliance, talent and bank account could possibly produce an awful name (even if they were smoking some weed when they came up with Chastity or Dweezil).

They imagine themselves as “trendsetters” and arbiters of all that is cool, hip and trendy. But if you look at the long list of baby-naming blunders self-indulgent, attention-seeking celebrities have produced, you can see why the second guideline (“do no harm”) may be even more important than the first one (“pick the best name available”).

Rich and Famous Parents Who “Brand” Their Babies Rather than Name Them

Cristina Goyanes’ eye-opening article for Shape magazine puts the “messed-up monikers” favored by Hollywood celebrities into a new light: Apple, North, Blue Ivy and Chastity are “brands.”

Most parents are concerned about picking a name that will be a joy for the parent and child to use. Cristina reports that Hollywood celebrities have a different agenda: they want to brand their child so wherever they are and whatever they do–they’ll be noticed.

Unfortunately, most brands don’t function well as names for human beings. Most brands don’t come with endearing, familiar forms that are readily available. Take Honor: what do you call her when you are tucking her into bed at night or when she wakes up in the middle of the night, scared and crying?

And what happens when Chastity or Bronx show up on the first day of kindergarten or summer camp or college? It’s tough enough to make friends without a brand name that will distance other kids or make your child a target for teasers and bullies.

Kanye West describes North as an “inspirational” name, even though most articles and blogs written about the name call it a “joke.” He says it means “the highest point.” Actually, peak means the highest point. North is just a direction–although as a name combined with West, it represents a fairly high point for bad humor.

It’s hard to imagine corporations picking brand names which create unfavorable impressions for their products. So “messed-up monikers,” like Apple and North, may be brands–but by creating unfavorable impressions, they are counterproductive.

The Morning After a Wild and Crazy Baby-Naming Brainstorming Session

Maybe you and your partner went out last night and one (or both) of you imbibed something that’s a no-no for a pregnant mother. Or maybe you were out with friends who were flying high. Either way, you felt like the sun revolved around you and you could do no wrong, and you came up with some, like, totally awesome names—which cracked everyone up. (Come to think of it, that’s probably how the celebrities who came up with names like Apple, Dweezil and Pilot Inspektor felt when they inked those names onto their babies’ birth certificates.)

The morning after one of those wild and crazy baby-naming sessions is when you need to get a grip. If you think like an adolescent (or a drunken sailor) who’s going to take care of the baby? If you have one of those entertaining soirees, here’s what you should do the next day: Write the words “instead of” in front of all the names you came up with while under the influence (of either alcohol or friends), and see if you can come up with some “sober” options.

To put that idea into practice, I have listed some silly, self-indulgent celebrity baby names along with some sober (morning-after) alternatives:

Instead of Apple (daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin), a food name like Brie, Syrah, Pepper, Coco, Ginger or Sherry

Instead of Banjo (son of Rachel Griffiths and Andrew Taylor), the name of a famous banjo picker like Lonnie (Donegan), Jerry (Garcia), Tommy (Makem), Earl (Scruggs), Pete (Seeger) or Steve (Martin)

Instead of Moxie CrimeFighter (daughter of Penn and Emily Jillette), the name of a famous female detective like Nancy (Drew), Dana (Scully), Stephanie (Plum) or Mary Beth (Lacey)

Instead of Nakoa-Wolf Manakauapo Namakeapa (son of Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa), one, more pronounceable Hawaiian name like: Kahana, Kalan, or Kalani

Instead of Kal-El (son of Nicholas Cage and Alice Kim), the name of a cartoon superhero’s alter ego like Clark (Kent), Bruce (Wayne), Billy (Batson) or Peter (Parker)

Instead of Sistine (daughter of Sylvester Stallone and Jennifer Flavin), a religious/spiritual name like Grace, Faith or Cielo

Instead of Jesse James (son of Jon and Dorothea Bon Jovi), the name of a famous historical or fictional detective like
Elliott (Ness), Joe (Friday), Fox (Mulder) or Sam (Spade)

Instead of Seven (son of Andre 3000 and Erykah Bodu, the name Lucky or a numerical name like Ace, Deuce, Trey, or Quentin

It’s fun (and funny) to come up with a list of wild and crazy names for your baby. However, if you actually list any of those names on your baby’s birth certificate, you’re thinking like a kid—not a parent.

Celebrity Baby Name Flashback: Brooke Shields Names Her Daughter Grier

(This article was originally published in 2006.)

I’ve just learned that Brooke Shields has given birth to a daughter, whom she named Grier. What a relief to write that I actually like a baby’s name selected by a celebrity.

This morning I made a short list of particularly silly celebrity baby names handed out over the last few years:

• Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee’s son)
• Banjo (Rachel Griffiths’ son)
• Moxie CrimeFighter (Penn Jillette’s daughter)
• Phinneas (Julia Roberts’ son)
• Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s daughter)
• Fuschia (Sting’s daughter)

Notice that Grier is not on this list. Why? It’s a rare celebrity baby name that both parent and child will enjoy and that will come across in an attractive way to people Grier meets in life. The reason I like the name is that it reminds me of Greer Garson, an old-time Hollywood star who was both beautiful and classy. (Come to think of it, that’s how I’d describe Brooke Shields too, so perhaps it’s no surprise she picked such an elegant name.)

I should probably inform you that Grier is a Scottish name that means “vigilant.” And, because it ends in a consonant, it comes across as both beautiful and strong—a good name for a talented woman who may become a doctor, the CEO of a multinational corporation—or a beautiful actress like her mother.

© 2006 Bruce Lansky
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